The Midnight News 12.09.02
Posted By Hyatte on 12.09.02
Guns, Roses, Ax'l, Flea Freaks Out, Shatner, Buff, Miller, Gertner, Quotes, Neo's Back, Old Hollywood, The Nitro Parties, Keller Gets Lucky, Canadians, Honky, a Bonus, and Someone Says Goodbye
"Let's hope he reminded the guy just which country runs things and which country couldn't contain the colonies... lousy bad teeth Brits"
Me, last week...
Hey, HEY! Don't forget who invented gravity, you prick. If it weren't for us, you Yanks would be floating around like a bunch of idiots.
Tom.
Oh, that whacky British humor!
Dear Randy Orton fan- I wanted to thank you again for your support as I continue on the long road back from my shoulder injury. Although I did recently suffer a setback -- as my shoulder sustained some minor chafing, thanks to a faulty arm sling -- I am still planning on returning sooner, rather than later, so I can entertain you like only a third-generation WWE Superstar can.
Thanks again,
Randy Orton (GetWellRandy Mailbox)
You know, I didn't write to the guy.
And what rassler knows such proper grammar and spelling? Give me a break.
Hyatte, I have to say that you write the most amusing and entertaining wrestling column I have ever read. Mind you, I don't usually visit other wrestling websites so I may be kind of biased. I was highly disappointed when you disappeared a couple of months back, but I'm glad to see you're writing again. I don't even watch wrestling anymore, but I try to surf 411wrestling to catch your column as often as I can.
I think I must be a little on the S&M; side of things. You routinely bash Canadians (which I am) and women (which, again, I am). Actually, I take that back, you don't bash women, only the really ugly ones. However, here I am writing a fan letter to an Internet columnist who probably doesn't share any of my own views on anything, but I find hilarious all the same.
And, of course, sight unseen, I would get your rocks off if the chance ever occurred. Just your writing style turns me on.
You're now probably going to flame me in one of your columns, so if you have to quote me, quote this: "Sight unseen, I would get your rocks off if the chance ever occurred. The way you write turns me on." You can match that against the girl who wrote "im a girl and u seem cool. sorry if my english is bad. i hate english. its such a dum language". Tell all the guys that even girls over the age of 20 with decent writing skills think you're hot.
Ciao!
Melody
Yeah, I'M POSTING IT AGAIN!! EAT ME!!
I'm Chris and this is the News. There is NO news... I'm going almost rassle-FREE!! It is my right, it is my luxury... it is my Destiny!
Actually, I have a very good reason... I'm bailing for a little while. Everyone has been notified... won't be TOO long, but long enough. So enjoy this while you can... soak it up nice... CUT, PASTE AND RE-READ THE MOTHER!!
AND YOUR COCAINE TONGUE, YOU GET NOOOTHING DONE...
Hey FLEA... and the rest of you Guns & F'K'N Roses fans... all jacked to see their concert huh?
OOps... the tour's been CANCELLED!!! Seems that the tour's sponsor, Clearwater, is sick of the shit Ax'l's pulled and cut the whole thing short. Somebody better tell Mr. Rose that it ain't 1993 anymore.
Maybe NEXT decade! Heh..
For EXCLUSIVE reaction from a G'N'R fan who had tickets and couldn't WAIT for the show to come to his town... we go to Flea:
Hyatte1com (11:09:57 PM): oh, hey Flea
Ryder Fakin (11:10:08 PM): yo
Hyatte1com (11:10:13 PM): Guns & Roses tour has been canceled
Ryder Fakin (11:15:03 PM): so i heard
Ryder Fakin (11:15:22 PM): where do we go now?
Hyatte1com (11:15:40 PM): we? what do you mean we, white man?
Ryder Fakin (11:16:01 PM): f*cking AXl fuck him
Ryder Fakin (11:18:01 PM): does that mean no concert next week?
Hyatte1com (11:18:29 PM): nope
Ryder Fakin (11:18:39 PM): bullshit
Ryder Fakin (11:20:30 PM): that f*cking cocksucker
Hyatte1com (11:21:35 PM): poor guy what will you do, Flea?
Ryder Fakin (11:22:09 PM): where did you read this at?
Hyatte1com (11:22:21 PM): www.metal-sludge.com
Ryder Fakin (11:24:52 PM): okay...i have the concert people on the phone and they say it's happening...but i trust you more
Hyatte1com (11:25:38 PM): TRUST THE WEBSITE
Ryder Fakin (11:30:25 PM): you know...this is typical web bullshit...and i think i'm going to have the website people beat with bats on Tuesday....i know them and f*ck them f*ck these c*cksuckers
Hyatte1com (11:38:00 PM): is there some way we can blame the JEWS for this?
Ryder Fakin (11:38:51 PM): no...you all suck
Hyatte1com (11:39:21 PM): ME? What did I do?
Ryder Fakin (11:40:53 PM): METAL F*CKING SLUDGE this site is bull shit
I'LL CARE WHEN THEY BRING BACK KHAN, DAMMIT!!!
Star Trek: Nemesis opens next week. Many say it will be the last Next Gen film of the bunch... and probably the last Trek film ever.
Ya know... I remember when the Star Trek movies were an EVENT... those days are looong gone...
Which can only mean one thing...
Bill Shatner is the REAL King of Hollywood. Without the Mighty Shat, it ain't nothin' but a bunch'a space ships shooting at each other.
I dare you to argue with that logic.
F*CK STONE COLD--THE REAL REASON TO WATCH RAW 500TH
Someone ran into Buff Bagwell and his MOMMA in an Atlanta grocery store over the Thanksgiving holiday.
Apparently, Buff is SUPER... yes... SUPER stoked because he claimed to be in talks with the WWE over coming back. Starting (and more than likely FINISHING) with the 500th edition of Raw. My source said Buff was goddammed ORGASMIC over the gig. He said he was in baby!! Buff is BACK!!
No word as to whether Judy Bagwell will be there.
My source then congratulated Buff on winning the NWA Mid-west title. Buff got bummed and left the deli section in a huff ("huff"... "Buff"... HAW, THE WIT)
Now all they need is to hire Scott Norton and re-unite Vicious & Delicious, and THEN, by God... the WWE will be ONTO something!!
SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA, I NEED A PLACE TO LIVE!
Torch Newsletter says that while the Net loved Ernest Miller's interpretation of a Smackdown color-guy... the WWE wasn't too thrilled with him. He ain't coming back.
And word has it Joel Gertner is living in his car these days. He still hangs backstage at the NWA/TNA shows but no one is giving him diddly squish.
This just in, Gertner has been seen in Downtown Nashville holding up a sign: Will cut a sexually charged promo for food
Oh, hey, what a coincidence, this news segments bleed quite nicely into the NEXT piece:
WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD!! (anal sex is FREE!!)
Funny how that works... almost like I PLANNED it...
No, I'm not plugging the www.Wrestlers4Hire.com website again (hey look, I LIED!!), but I will remind you that I get a piece of the profits if you buy a rasslin' t-shirt.
That's it.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!!
Ya know, people have asked, (and by "people" I mean absolutely no one at all) what will I do when I finally run out of big time rasslin' quotes? The answer, my friends, is easy...
I'll just rerun every damn last one of them over and over again... none of you monkeys will even notice. Hell, I've re-used one of them about five times already... AND NO ONE NOTICED!!!
Dear dickface, maybe it's because no reads READS THIS PART!!! signed (insert name here)
Nonsense... this and the movie shit (and I won't be running out of those ANYTIME soon, you folks have been GREAT with the movie quotes) have become VITAL components to the greatness that is ME!
Anywhoo... let's kick off the wrestling stuff, with a classic quote from one of the greatest pure "tweeners" of our time:
1) S.D. Special Delivery Jones. You know, I never wanted to fight you only because fighting you would do absolutely nothing for my career- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper on Piper's Pit .
2) Don't you threaten me! I'll call an attorney- Gene Okerlund
3) And how did I build this house? (holds up hands) These mommas right here!- "Dr. D" David Schultz, showing off his house on Tuesday Night Titans
4) But, as I was walking down the streets of Toronto today! Looking at the blue skies and saying Hi to all the Torontonians! One thought popped into my head!- Jericho
Why am I here?- Heenan
5) Be like McMahon, counting everyone out before the referee does!- Jerry Lawler
6) Go ask your momma if HBK is gay!- Shawn Michaels
7) If I pop one of them..if I take him in and stretch the goof, then I would be at war with the entire New World Order......and that's going to wreck my golf game.- Larry Zbyszko
8) Do you know what "Ariba" means? It means "Swim faster, the boarder guards are behind us"- Heenan
9) It was like going to work and having fun. It was like kindergarten... kindergarten in hell.- Mikey Whipwreck on ECW
10) Albert is the rabbi of retribution!- Paul Heyman
Oy vey- Jim Ross
11) Hulk Hogan, you are a great technical wrestler- "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
12) I don't know who's the legal guy in the ring- Monsoon
Danny Davis, the referee- Heenan
13) Savage - this dragon is breathing fire! This dragon will scorch your back! I will emerge with the Intercontinental belt - and reach new horizons!- Ricky Steamboat
14) Barry Windham couldn't cause waves if he fell from a helicopter into the ocean - PWI Columnist Eddie Ellner
15) If people are being rushed to the hospital, you know it MUST BE... NITRO!!- Schiavone
16) As they would say on the streets... "My bad"- Kurt Angle
17) I know your first name is Hardcore, Bob Holly - Vince
18) It takes a brave man to wear a dude love shirt.- Mick Foley, to a fan during a book signing
19) D'Lo, I have to go to the bathroom.- Mark Henry
Well, just go in the woods over there.- D-Lo
But I gotta go ... "number two."- Henry
Man, I don't need to know that! Now just do your business!- D-Lo
But there might be snakes in there!- Henry
Just GO!!- D'Lo
20) Jeezus, can't a guy cut a friggin' promo around here?!- HHH, after being continuously interrupted by other wrestlers while doing a promo in the ring.
Wow... those were the days... back in the 90's... when Triple H would actually be interrupted... whoa... believe you me... he remembered the bastards who kept cutting him off... he remembered... oh yes... ROAD DOGG!!!!! X-PAC!!!! THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!! WHERE ARE THEY NOW, HUH??? HUH???
God Bless Triple H AND the goddam glass ceiling! Hunter has things well schooled, by God... ain't no one interrupting him NOW, by Christ!
There must be some sort of grammatical rule about taking the Lord's name in vain twice in the same damn sentence.
Well's done running dry, laddies... drink up now.
JEFF JARRETT CAN GO SCREW HIMSELF; KEANU IS THE REAL CHOSEN ONE!
Now, you all know I like to show you cool stuff... I'm pretty sure this qualifies...
I went sniffing around online and scored myself a copy of the sequel to The Matrix called The Matrix: Reloaded. It feels legit enough... like a real life movie.
As you may or may not know, the sequel will be part two of a trilogy... with both flicks doing the old Back to the Future trick of getting the second and third film out in the summer and winter of next year... so we won't have to wait long for the full story.
If this script is the real thing (and it looks like it is), you can expect the following:
-Neo is still learning his new power
-Trinity is worried and in love
-Morpheus is completely confident that Neo is "The One"
-the return of Agent Smith (a NEW AND IMPROVED Agent Smith: Version 2.0)
-We see "Zion"
-We learn that there have been SEVERAL "Ones" before Neo
-We meet the "Anti-Neo" (named Gregory, who appears briefly in this excerpt)
-And Tank has been replaced by someone named "Razor".
-We meet "Niobe", a ship Captain like Morpheus and Morpheus's lover
-And a SHITLOAD of that genre defining "slow motion fighting" stuff that barely took half a year before EVERYONE starting ripping off.
In this scene, which is the beginning of the film's third act/centerpiece, Neo has been ordered to destroy the Matrix Mainframe, which is located in a building that he is well familiar with. The Matrix charges Agents and the Army to fight him off.
*****
EXT. ROOF
MORPHEUS answers his phone.
INT. MAIN BRIDGE
RAZOR: "They’re about to pull something. Processing power is pouring into the agent programs and they’re locking onto your 3-D grid displacements.
EXT. ROOF
MORPHEUS: "Send through ghosts to confuse their lock."
RAZOR: "Got it."
INT. MAIN BRIDGE: THE GHOST program is loaded. We see 3-D images of Morpheus and the others flash across the screen.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING: AGENT SMITH STANDS alone, his comrades have disappeared. THE glass before him shimmers.
EXT. OFFICE: THE mirrored glass of Smith’s office wavers, then explodes towards us. AGENT SMITH jumps, and we pan down to follow his descent. He smacks into the pavement on his feet in front of NEO.
EXT. METACORTEX PLAZA: AGENT SMITH STANDS, facing NEO, about two fighting distances away. NEO’s concentration is broken. The METACORTEX building comes to a shuddering halt.
NEO: "You’re back."
CU: AGENT SMITH: He nods.
NEO: "And you have a ponytail now."
AS we concentrate on NEO, and he concentrates on SMITH, we can see more black suits marching up behind him.
NEO attacks SMITH. SMITH backs away slowly, blocking against a losing battle and taking hits. Meanwhile, the MEN IN BLACK converge on NEO. Just as NEO lands a smashing blow on SMITH’S chin, three voices at once shout: "HEY!"
NEO turns, and SMITH pushes him hard in the opposite direction to face:
THREE SMITHS! They attack at once, one going low and hard with a knee-breaking sweep kick, the other punching NEO in the face, and the third breaking to the side and putting his toe into NEO’s stomach with a vicious side-kick. The attack is in perfect synch, eight arms and eight legs working like clockwork, striking their target without getting in the way of each other. The attack slams NEO back, right into the first, bloodied SMITH. NEO slams into his shoving arms, and stops as though he backed into a brick wall. AGENT SMITH grabs him and holds him in a FULL NELSON, exposing him to his three copies. The copies shift position and attack again. Two stand together, left shoulder to right, and with their combined arms slam NEO in the face, then step apart as the third comes in. The THIRD grabs the shoulders of the other two and flips, walking his loafers up NEO’s body, and kicking him from below, right up into the chin of his jaw! It snaps NEO’s back with a spray of blood.
EXT. ROOFTOP
MORPHEUS and NIOBE stare on as the fight rages.
MORPHEUS grips the edge of the brick wall edge. The stone crumbles under the tension.
MORPHEUS: "We can only watch."
EXT. PLAZA
THE ASSAULT on NEO continues. He struggles, unable to concentrate long enough to find a way to fight back.
INT. MAIN DECK
RAZOR bangs away at the keyboard.
RAZOR: "Four fucking agents, no wonder so much processing power is devoted to them."
EXT. ROOF
A BIRD flying by NIOBE and MORPHEUS slows its flight, slows its flapping, and freezes.
CU: MORPHEUS. A pink lightning bolt freezes as it streaks across the sky, sealing the world’s light in an a light rouge.
EXT. CITY STREET
Near the plaza, panicked civilians slow, and fall to the ground as though they’re passing out.
INT. MAIN DECK
Razor stares at the data pouring down the screens.
RAZOR: "No goddamned way."
His headphone chimes.
RAZOR: "Operator."
EXT. ROOF
MORPHEUS is on the phone
MORPHEUS: "What the hell’s going on?"
INT. MAIN DECK
RAZOR: "They’re putting all the coppertops to sleep. They froze the Matrix."
MORPHEUS: "Why?"
RAZOR: "All processing power is being re-diverted to the agent program."
NIOBE stands at the edge of the building and points down.
NIOBE: "Morpheus, look!"
DOWN on the ground below them, there’s a swarm of AGENT Smiths
EXT. STREET
The passed-out people stand, and one by one, MORPH into AGENT SMITHS. It happens over, and over, until dozens, then hundreds, are marching on the plaza.
EXT. PLAZA
NEO reaches back and puts his hands on either side of SMITH’S head. As he’s being pummeled from the front, he squeezes and screams. His screams are mixed with SMITH’S. The agent’s head deforms as we’re hear a sickening crack. Suddenly, the body reverts back to that of the original owner, a security guard, and the head simply EXPLODES.
THE hold broken, NEO stumbles back over the body, with the three SMITHS in pursuit. He somersaults, comes up on his feet, and jumps to the left, putting one Smith in front of the other two. He attacks, his killing blows destroying SMITH, smashing through his blocks. He falls, and NEO takes on the other two, giving a kick jump that knocks both of them away in one shot.
As he comes down, a wall of Smith’s converges from all sides. They stop, leaving a circle around him.
WE PAN BACK to view a sea of black-suited SMITHS flooding the plaza.
CU: NEO AS his hand passes over his face, it is refreshed, anew, perfect again. He surveys the wall-to-wall SMITHS.
SMITH talks with his voice, times a thousand.
SMITH: "NEO, leave the Matrix. You know not what you’re doing."
NEO: "Well, is that right?"
HE turns to the METACORTEX building. It’s repairing, growing steel girders and concrete skin.
NEO’s face darkens.
NEO: "No!"
REALITY SHIMMERS as his anger strikes out at the building. The tops floors burn, and then explode. The explosion rips down the building, slowing, slowing, then stopping.
THOUSANDS of SMITHS are gazing up at the building, concentrating on combating NEO’s attack.
EXT. ROOF
GREGORY sees the building exploding, and runs. He smashes through an access door.
INT. STAIRWAY
GREGORY hurtles down the stairs, one at a time.
EXT. METACORTEX BUILDING
THE building is frozen, mid-explosion. TONS of pieces hanging in the air, suspended only by frozen tendrils of fire and arms of smoke and debris.
THE SMITHS attack NEO. They fight in a massive melee, dying in mass. Meanwhile, the METACORTEX building pulls back together, the damage and flame disappearing as time/space around it is reversed.
CUT TO: EXT. ROOFTOP
CU: AGENT BROWN With his hand on his ear piece, he comes out the elevator door, slowly. Pistol drawn, he looks around the corner.
MORPHEUS and NIOBE stand there, their backs to him.
Without hesitating, he advances on them, blasting away with impunity.
THE BODIES of MORPHEUS and NIOBE are wracked by gunfire and collapse in a heap of bullet-ravaged flesh.
BROWN walks up to the corpses and kicks one with his shoe. It shimmers, and then disappears, followed by the other.
INT. MAIN DECK
RAZOR dials the phone. MORPHEUS picks up.
MORPHEUS (V.O.): "Yes."
RAZOR: "They’re hitting your ghosts."
MASSIVE attack of STATIC bursts on the line.
RAZOR: "What the - "
THE LINE goes dead.
EXT. ROOFTOP
MORPHEUS looks at the phone and redials. RAZOR comes through, his voice digitized and distorted.
RAZOR: "They’re cutting comes, get to the access point on Laxe - "
THE line goes dead.
MORPHEUS signals to NIOBE. They exit the roof as he dials TRINITY
INT. EMPTY BUILDING
CHOI and TRINITY hide in the shadows of an empty room, watching the battle. TRINITY’S cell rings. She answers silently.
MORPHEUS (V.O.): "Let’s go. Laxe Three."
TRINITY: "What about Neo?"
MORPHEUS (V.O.): "We can do nothing to help him. We’ll only get in his way."
THEY leave the room.
INT. LOBBY
GREGORY stumbles into the lobby. Slumbering bodies lie everywhere, slumped over desks, half-in chairs, on the ground.
EXT. PLAZA HE exits into the street. The scene is one from HELL.
UNDER the neon sky, fires are frozen and smoke columns hang in the air, still, like massive tree trunks.
The battle rages and surges, a thousand SMITHS pouring onto one NEO. All around, nearly covering the ground, are corpses, destroyed bodies abandoned by the agent. Men and women, of all ages and designs, smashed, decapitated and broken.
CU: NEO: THE SMITHS overwhelm him with sheer numbers. NEO is a blur, a human chainsaw now, crushing or smashing them all, but they crowd on all sides. The bodies pile up as they fall, and NEO finds himself stepping up the rubbery mass of corpses. A few more smashed SMITHS fall, morph back into their stolen forms, and NEO is KNEE-DEEP IN THE DEAD.
He can’t take it. Choking, NEO struggles to free himself. SMITHS climb up the corpse pile and drop onto him, pounding viciously. NEO stalls, in shock, his eyes locked with the lifeless blue eyes of a woman he just killed. She looks amazingly like TRINITY.
Perhaps for the first time, he is confronted with the consequences of this war, and his mind seizes as the Smiths pummel him.
*****
And then... the real fun begins...
If you can't wait... read the script. If you choose to let yourself experience it fresh this summer, let me tease you by saying that by the end, you're not exactly sure WHO the bad guys are anymore....
Speaking of Hollywood... let's check in with an old favorite...
THE GOLDEN AGE OF HOLLYWOOD
Been a while since I checked out the great A-List Gossip site, probably since it's so damn popular I just figured EVERYONE has the damn thing bookmarked by now.
But... f*ck it. I went through it and decided to showcase some gossip about the great stars of YESTERYEAR... Old Time Hollywood... most decadent of times. Creep city, baby.
Montgomery Clift: Called "Pink Princess Tiny Meat" due to his underendowment. Closet queen. Drunkard. Linked with James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor.
Rudolf Nureyev: "The Great Vaselino." Played all sides of the field. Linked with Leonard Bernstein, Margot Fonteyn, Mick Jagger, Robert F. Kennedy (in a phone booth, no less), Robert Maplethorpe, Freddie Mercury, Anthony Perkins, and Michelle Phillips.
Milton Berle: Sour, unpleasant man. Notorious for stealing other comedians' jokes/gags. Legendary implement. Bad father. Swapped women (and possibly drag queens) with Bing Crosby. Once "dated" Marilyn Monroe; also linked with Lucille Ball, Theda Bara, Veronica Lake, Aimee Semple Macpherson, and Nancy Reagan.
Marion Davies: Linked with Charlie Chaplin, Clark Gable, Leslie Howard, Joseph P. Kennedy, Dick Powell, William Randolph Hearst and Rudolph Valentino. (Her clitoris was nicknamed "rosebud" by Hearst, which is meaningful to you if you've seen Citizen Kane.)
Kirk Douglas: "The most hated man in Hollywood." Difficult to work with (obviously). Sex addict, and was willing to physically force women to have sex with him. Linked with Lauren Bacall, Joan Crawford, Marlene Dietrich, Rita Hayworth, Patricia Neal, Gene Tierney, and Lana Turner.
Humphrey Bogart: Cheated on his wife. Anti-semite and drunkard. Affairs with Lauren Bacall and Louise Brooks.
Jim Nabors: Gay as an Ungaro Spring Frock. Reportedly had long-time relationship with Rock Hudson.
Fatty Arbuckle: Slut. Unfairly convicted in the public of killing a younger actress via Coke bottle rape; poor Fatty was innocent, but the world was convinced otherwise.
Sex with a Coke bottle? Hello, gorgeous!
Gay as an Ungaro Spring Flock... that is absolutely classic.
Pink Princess Tiny Meat... jeeze, why don't they just call him "Scooter"?
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY
Here's a classic Mop-Up moment for ya. Remember when Nitro had the brilliant idea of running those Nitro Parties on live TV to bore 99% of their audience under the guise of CONVINCING us how Nitro is THE ultimate excuse to throw down a mammajamma of a party and be the coolest kid on the block!
Well, WCW was so intent on getting this Nitro Party off and running (from the mind of Eric Bischoff!!) that they had an e-mail encouraging these parties by promising to send a "Nitro Party Pack"... someone named Jam187 sent me a copy of the e-mail. Check out what WCW offered to send in order for you to kick out the jams:
Monday night to you means good friends, food, drinks, and time to get crazy with WCW Monday Nitro live on TNT.
Sound familiar? It does to us. Reports flood our mailboxes every week about Nitroparties across the country.
Now, with a little planning, you can enter to win fifteen minutes of Nitro fame, and the Ultimate Nitro Party Pack.
Not available anywhere! Win the Party pack by sending in a videotape or photograph of your own Nitro party to the address below.
Internet Bonus!: Prominently show WCWwrestling.com, WCW's official website, in your photos or video and we'll send you a special WCW Webmaster Party Pack with a WCWwrestling.com mousepad and other cool stuff lying around our offices. Make sure your Internet love is obvious. Webmasters crave attention.
Double Internet Bonus!: We at WCWwrestling.com watch some of the submissions during lunch, like what we see. Some more than others. We'll try to post some video grabs from our favorites on this page. No prizes here, except props for coolness and a thumbnail GIF of your head on this page.
Send your Nitro Party Video or Photos to:
NITRO PARTY
One CNN Center
P.O. Box 60
Atlanta, GA 30303
Included in the Nitro Party Pack:
Nitro party gear
WCW playing cards
Wrestler recipes
Nitro party hats, banners, napkins, plates and balloons and everything else
you'll need to throw the Ultimate Nitro Party.
Good Luck!
Yup, Bischoff sure knew his audience.
MY THREE STOOGES
I WAS going to pack this away for a while.... BUT... well... it's the holiday season and you little scamps LOVE this and I won't be around much after this column... sooooo, let's touch upon all three of the bitches.... it's our special "Something For Everyone" edition...
Stooge # 1) How do you know you really, really pissed a web guy off?
Why, he posts an EXTRA long message explaining how nothing you say really bothers him at all! In fact, he LOVES all the attention. (This technique is as old and as well used as the classic "Pad up the e-mail count" trick)
Oh, and one more observation:
I'm actually surprised that nobody mentioned how much CRZ looks like that Rocky Dennis guy that Eric Stoltz played in that movie with Cher...am I the only one who thinks that? Well thanks for the years of entertainment....later- Frank
Mask? he looks like MASK?? Oh.. that's horrible. Horrible.
Stooge # 2) Take a guess who posted THIS on a message board:
Test is not a "decent" guy, he's a talentless lump with no personality...
No clue? I can't say who but I CAN give hints...
1) He posted on a thread that had his name on it... a habit in which he's known for (talk about being desperate for your own press... God)
2) Thanks to the magic of mirrors, he is an AUTHORITY on talentless lumps with no personality.
3) He's from Canada.
4) He's the same guy who has the balls to slag me in e-mail (If you want to avoid looking stupid, don't use Hyatte as a source for "facts".) to other people.... but cries to Widro like a roly poly bitch if I do the same in PUBLIC, because I have balls.
5) He's NEVER WRESTLED A MATCH IN HIS LIFE... but has deemed himself worthy of judging who should try to earn a living in the business, and who shouldn't.
That's all you get... good luck! (and please don't e-mail me your answer)
Stooge # 3) Ahh what the hell... just for Christmas:
All New ABOG: Hey Rick!!! How's it going buddy!
All New ABOG: You are the MAN!!!
All New ABOG: I wanna make HOT, monkey sex to you!!!
OORick signed off at 8:59:36 PM.
CoLeMaN: Hey Rick! How's your boyfriend?
CoLeMaN: Alright, I'm gonna ask The Rick here...Who's a better writer? Hyatte or The Scotsman?
CoLeMaN: Ricky?
CoLeMaN: Hellooooooo?
CoLeMaN: Don't you want to talk anymore??
OORick: signed off 09:12:00 PM.
Finally...
nymgame: butt plug
nymgame: butt plug
nymgame: butt plug
nymgame: ?
nymgame: butt plug?
nymgame: ?
nymgame: 8=D~o ~o ~o
nymgame: 8=D ( ( <---OORick
OORick: signed off at 10:58:08 PM.
Poor Rick.... how can the man log online during the evening (prime time dating hours!) looking for a little romantic interlude when he has to deal with all these WEEDS??? THERE ARE WEEDS IN HIS CYBER-GARDEN OF EDEN!!!
SOILED SHEETS
Not much... the Torch Newsletter came in on time this week. Keller still hasn’t retracted his comment from a few weeks ago that Brock has never wrestled the Rock.
BUT... I screwed up. See, I thought that no one took advantage of Wade's VIP e-mail package available EXCLUSIVELY to Newsletter subscribers. I figured no one would give a f*ck about Mojo Mitchell's semi-regular (and fading fast) homage to the Mop-Up.
BOY, was I wrong. See, Wade attached the mail list to one of the VIP's last week, so EVERYONE got to see who got the service... one of the subscribers sent the list to me.
It’s a MONSTER list... so long I can’t even LIST them all. And believe me.... I TRIED.
Wade got off lucky... this time. If it weren’t for Keanu Reeves, would have posted it.
That’s right... KEANU SAVED WADE KELLER’S ASS!!
POINTLESS RACISM
1) How can you tell the secretary is (CANADIAN)?
She's the one with Wite-Out all over the computer screen
2) Why did the (CANADIAN) cross the road?
To franchise the other side
3) What do you call ten (CANADIANS) buttf*cking?
a Soul Train
4) How has transportation been improved in (CANADA)?
They planted the trees closer together
5) What do you call a taco shell with a food stamp in it?
A (CANADIAN) fortune cookie
6) Why do (CANADIANS) have small balls?
They can't dance
7) How many (CANADIANS) does it take to start a car?
Five. One to steer, one to work the pedals, two to push and, one to sit under the hood and yell: "VAROOM, VAROOM!"
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST WEEKEND
Well, Ashish does. And he posted it at 411's MOVIE SECTION
Ain't much to report here... not much has changed.
Die Another Day is still number one. Harry Potter was bumped to # 3 as Analyze That opened to a pitiful 11 million. The first flick opened at 18 mil. Keep in mind, tho, the first film opened in the Springtime with NO competition... up against some heavy hitters, Bobby D had to struggle some.
By the way, anyone see DeNiro on Saturday Night Live? Jesus, not even a string of naked black supermodels holding up signs reading: I want to do old Dagos! would've pulled Bobby D's eyes away from the damn cue-cards.... manolive, talk about shitting in his pants over live TV.
BUT PLUGS
Pat Brower does Velocity. Wait... no he doesn't. It's some guy named W. Dal Bush, who writes as if he's been doing this gig for a while.... did I slide into a new dimension again or something? Where the f*ck is Brower?
Chris Pankonin recaps Heat and screams that D-Lo has TURNED HEEL!!! Johnny Stamboli has turned FACE and Raven is making the absolute MOST out of his Heat purgatory. Will someone at Raw PLEASE let Raven go nuts with the book? The man has IDEAS, GODDAMMIT
Joe Rivett still works here? F*ck me, now I owe Flea $200.
Straight from Merry Ol' England... it's Ross Williams Who are all these new WRITERS???
The Scotsman takes time out of his busy schedule (moving into a new house, tracking down ID's of people who go to his site, tormenting twin brothers who like to pose sexy-like for the Internet, defending Scooter) and reviews Diana Hart-Smith's book.
Daniels has a MAJOR announcement No, he's not bisexual and eager to live life as the woman he was always meant to be... no, he wasn't elected President of his school's gay club... no, he didn't threaten to bring half the gay club with him to raid the message board of anyone who would f*ck with him (have I lost ALL of you yet?) which is really a stupid threat since I'm the only one who talks about him and I don't belong to ANY message board... yeah, bring the homo brigade to wienerville... how does that bother me?
Anyway, Daniels has a DIFFERENT kind of announcement... and I ain't telling what it is.
Mathew Poffel says hello and spends seven and a half paragraphs introducing himself, kissing Widro and Ashish's ass, and explaining what's wrong with everything and how to fix it.
By the way... if I may bestow a touch of advice to all these new writers... no matter where on the site they may work their magic and dazzle their readers... it's this:
DON'T BOTHER ME!!
Thank you.
TAKE US HOME, HONKY
Little different this time...
Roddy Piper is pushing a big shoot interview he'll be doing soon... or maybe he did it already, (I haven't noticed)... anyway, something abut this has pissed off Honky enough to send a e-mail out to Widro, Ashish, and probably scores of others who DON'T PROMOTE HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS LIKE I DO!!! WHAT THE F*CK, RYAN?? I GOTTA GET THIS SECOND HANDED???
Anyway... here it is:
We here at HTM hope someone will ask Piper during his shoot interview, "why is he on HTM's Ass Whipping List?" If Piper wants a real shoot style format, come on over to HTM's place and we will ask his crippled up ass some real shoot questions. There is one problem and we identified it a long time ago, Piper has no balls!
Sincerely,
Hmm, interesting.
By the way, the whole Piper/NWA thing? Come on... total work.
Remember, right before he left (was booted) from WCW, Russo was pushing for a "reality-shootlike" approach to the business... swearing it was the "Next wave of sports entertainment". Remember, he had Goldberg walk out of a 3 way match against Nash
and Steiner rather than doing the job... then had Tank Abbott work a "shoot fight" with the big guy? This is all well-Russoed territory here.
And shame on Piper for lying to his fans by saying it was a complete shoot. Shame on him.
Unless it really is a shoot... then f*ck me... what do I know?
I ain't done yet... oh no... if I'm going away, I'm going to OVERKILL your asses...
AS GOD AS MY WITNESS... I'LL NEVER GO...GO... LINE?
For reasons that will become clear right at the bottom, I'm tossing in this extra special bonus:
1) Get your ass in the trunk!
Please, I'm claustrophobic
Ya, well I get claustrophobic sucking strange dick
I gotta pee
Well pee in there, motherfucker.-Freeway
2) Folks, pardon my language. I just got out of prison. Well, I'm gonna take ahold of him
And then?
And then I'm gonna pull his trousers down.
And then?
And THEN...
And then?
And THEN...
They're gonna buttfuck the preacher on television!!- Pass the Ammo
3) Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?
Lemmy.
...God?
Wrong, dickhead, trick question. Lemmy IS God.- Airheads
4) I hope Dan Marino gets gonorrhea and dies! Care for a cookie- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
5) I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad every time I did it. But I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah- Heathers
6) 1.) Time to introduce Mr. Thick Dick to Mr. Urinal- The Great Outdoors
7) Ohhh, you English are soooooo superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know where you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me!- A Fish Called Wanda
8) So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.- Office Space
9) D’you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?
Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?
D’you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?
Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is not in the Hall of Fame?
D’you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?
I... I can’t compete with that!- Jerry Maguire
10) God is on our side because he hates the Yanks!
God is not on our side because he hates idiots also.- The Good The Bad and the Ugly
11) You're my designated fuck- The Last Seduction
12) I shoot you...you go DOWN!- Snatch
13) No dumb bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.- Patton
14) Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich, and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs. And take them down.- Rushmore
15) ...I like you. I don't know what it is exactly.
My tits?
No, no, it's your energy or your attitude or the way you carry yourself or...
Christ, you're not a fag are you? Because I don't want to be wasting my time.- Being John Malkovich
And finally... because you monkeys apparently CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM...
Bonus: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young..
Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Oh, if only we had their numbers- Dogma
There... now shut up.
Okay... I tossed this in because I’m going away for a while. I need a break and I have to get some real life shit in order. I'll be back in a couple of months... 8 weeks at most... probably earlier.
And when I do come back, I'll come back with the THUNDER.... those in the know can keep an eye on the secret place for a lot of new content and those NOT in the know can keep an eye out for a brand new And Another Thing fiction piece right here at 411... when the new AAT is posted, you'll know I'm back.
Oh, and when I do come back, I'm coming back with a CABLE MODEM!! No more of this dial up nonsense... I'm finally gonna go join the goddam 21st Century.
Don't spend too much for X-Mas.... don't let the commercia... oh f*ck it... do what you want.
Now, everyone go get nice and cocky... give me a reason to come back guns blazing. I'll bury you ALL, muthaf*kkas... all of you.
Later much.... stay near 411... actually, stay away in droves... show Widro and Ash exactly who the REAL star of this site is... they seem to be confused on that matter.
This is Hyatte